"To live well is the best revenge"

Merry Xmas

Have a Labradoodly Christmas

It’s nearly Christmas, and you need a present for all your doggie-owning chums don’t you? Well look no further! What about my Labradoodle cartoon, as seen in the Spectator? I can sell you an original, hand-drawn version for £100 or a signed print for a mere £40. Send a cheque to my contact address as usual or email me for details. Then settle back and have a lovely Christmas, knowing your present-buying is all wrapped up. Or resist this opportunity and watch your relatives cry and their pet lab howl in sadness. Why would you do that to them? Why? WHY??

Buy a cartoon now. NOW I say!!

Prints now available

I keep getting requests for signed prints of my Portrait Gallery cartoon, so who am I to argue. A signed print can now be yours for £40. Send a cheque and I’ll post one to you anywhere in the UK, hand signed by me. As ever, a full hand drawn version can be yours for only £100.

Makes a great present!

One for the trekkers

“Mr.Sulu, what have I told you about messing about on social media when you’re supposed to be at work?”

George Takei fans welcome

I have been rude about Twitter in the past but I take it all back, as George Takei has now tweeted my Portrait Gallery cartoon so if there are any twittery trekkers coming to this site, welcome! I am genuinely chuffed to bits.

Hello twittery tweety types

Apparently one of my cartoons from this week’s Private Eye has been tweeted by twittery people on a website for opinions that are as important as bird noise. Just in case anyone finds my website I thought I’d add a post to say hello hope you like the cartoon. Contact me to buy a copy. You could hang it from your nest or put it at the bottom of your cage and poo all over it.

Napalm in the morning cartoon

One of my cartoons has been used in a history GCSE question about Vietnam and I keep getting enquiries about it, so here’s all you need to know, GCSE-ers!!

The cartoon shows a US army officer with some perfume called “Smell of napalm in the morning”. This is a reference to the film Apocalypse Now where the character played by Robert Duvall says “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”. I just thought if he liked it so much he’d buy it as a perfume. That’s it, it’s just a daft joke, there is no deeper political meaning to it whatsoever, it’s just silly.

Now you can all stop emailing me and do your bloody homework on your own like we all had to when we were at school and the internet hadn’t been invented you lazy little ratbags. Oh, and good luck with your GCSEs.

White House Wit

Out now in time for Christmas, political wit fans, is White House Wit, Wisdom and Wisecracks by Phil Dampier and Ashley Walton and cartoons by ME!!! Don’t let your little ones be looking through their sack of 3DSs and X-box games on Christmas morning only to find you haven’t bought them the one gift they really wanted. “Mummy” they implore through tear-stained cheeks, “Did you forget to buy me the funny book where George W Bush says dumb stuff?”. Watch them trudge back to school in the New Year to face the humiliation of being the only kid in class not able to quote quips from John Quincy Adams, thereby being left out of the cool kids gang and leading to a life on the edge of society, drugs, misery and a lonely death. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Buy a copy now.

I don’t have to buy one, I got my free copy in the post, that’s the sort of luxury freebie lifestyle cartoonists lead. I celebrated with a launch party on the sofa in my back room, drinks were coffee and delightful multigrain toast nibbles. There was a star studded attendance, Jeremy Kyle was there but he brought a right bunch of aggressive divs with him so I turned over and was regaled with amusing stories of property development by the delightfully urbane Martin Roberts and his twinkly friend Lucy Alexander who laughed at everything everyone said and pulled faces to pretend she gave a crap about their crummy holiday cottages. Dress code was informal, I was in my pants, and party over we moved on to the kitchen where I had more coffee with Holly Willoughby before retiring to think of something else to do rather than work, which turned out to be writing this blog.

Christmas is coming so get an original cartoon for you or a friend, still at 2012 prices, you lucky lucky people, go on, email me now!!!

Private Eye: A Cartoon History

Nick Newman’s must-buy cartoon compilation is out today, I’ve just finished looking through it and it’s wonderful, although it bafflingly contains quite a few cartoons not by me. Rush out and get it for everyone you know for Christmas. It has little thumbnail biogs of lots of cartoonists which reveal a mass history of illness, alcoholism and suicide, so hurrah for the cartooning life and I’ll pour myself another absinthe. There’s even a photo of me on the Day I Wore A Tie, an event not often seen.

Plenty of my cartoons are inside, including the now-legendary Elephant Man joke, so you can rush out for another chance to laugh hysterically at that one all over again, or just look at where it’s published somewhere else on this blog-thingy. All cartoons available for sale; if the original’s sold I can knock up a redraw, price still a remarkable £100, just send a cheque to the address on this site. What else can you get for £100 these days? Nothing, that’s what, except maybe the entire Eurozone economy, so get those cheques written NOW you lucky lucky people, and make me slightly less skint than I am.